Duplicity

Ugh, I KNOW!! I haven't updated in ages. Don't expect much out of this one...I'm mainly blogging out of obligation, not inspiration.

Macy has been referberized and has gotten past all her molars, so we are good right now. She's finally a pleasant individual when I put her down to bed, and she lets me rock her to sleep and look into her droopy eyes. It's a sweet time that I love, but I always have to cut it a little shorter than I would like to because Liam's downstairs watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Luckily she doesn't protest anymore as I put her down to bed with her blanky-bear. Sweet girl - I feel so lucky to have my little daughter.

I'm not going to lie. Sometimes the words "I want another baby" pop into my head. Believe you me, they are momentary and fleeting. I think that as a mom, it doesn't matter how many kids you have, you will ALWAYS feel like you have room in your heart to love another. I find myself asking "would I have two boys or two girls?" "What would a third look like?" "What would a third BE like?"

I know - I can think of two friends who are going to call each other up or text each other and be like "OMG did you read Abby's blog?? I KNEW she wouldn't stop at 2!!! I KNEW IT!!!" My nay-sayers. I was trying to explain to them soon after having Macy why I couldn't permanently cut off my ability to have kids. For one thing, I'm not even 30. Even though I don't plan on having any more, I can't imagine being my age and voluntarily relinquishing the ABILITY to have more children. Even though I don't wish to act on it, I just have to have that. Also, I'm kind of a realist, and I know that life can turn upside down in a moment's notice. It's a bunch of duplicity - they didn't believe me. I could tell.

Those "I want a baby" feelings are QUITE underwhelming. I know that my heart has room to expand. My patience, however, doesn't. My ability to give each member of my family the amount of me that they deserve is already stretched thin. I can remember the feeling that I got getting that positive pregnancy test twice (+ about 9 extra times with Macy) and that feeling of overwhelming joy, and I can place myself in that same position now and feel the tears start to flow uncontrollably. I can remember how frustrated and lonely I was transitioning to 2, and I know that I don't have it in me to experience that again.

We're on the cusp of giving up formula for good, and I can't WAIT. That is a place I never want to go back to. I still have a bag full of bottles I want to burn (or send to a loving new home - let me know if you are interested). I can sleep at night - not too late into the morning, mind you, but at least I can sleep at night. I am giving away baby things so I can get them out of the house. It is so liberating. Soon, and I forget exactly when, we will say good-bye to the Baby Witching Hour, and I will love my evenings with my children again.

Taking on a new little person to love is just so full of RISK. I have been infinitely blessed with, to date, two healthy children. Neither were born with any defects, known diseases, or twin siblings. One's out of the woods for autism, and I can only pray the other one makes it there, too. The worry of brain tumors, leukemia, freak accidents, etc. will never go away as long as I live. The more you have to love, the more you have to lose, and I am cool with cutting my losses.

And giving up my martinis again for 9 months? Forget it. Even worse - giving up my iced mochas! Granted, I was never one to abstain from caffeine during pregnancy, but those would probably pickle my fetus.

It's funny - I hated every moment of my pregnancy with Liam and was able to forget about it. I hated every moment of my pregnancy with Macy, and I can vividly remember hating every moment of it.

Between pregnancies, I would always get jealous of pregnant women. The pee sticks, the ultrasounds, the moving bellies, the baby showers, the surreality of being in the hospital giving birth and adjusting to a newborn...I craved all that. This time around, I can remember the joy of those moments, but I also remember that that's what they were - MOMENTS. Fleeting moments of excitement that quickly gave way to reality.

So there you go. Yes, I admit it, my heart has room for another. If I had another, it would have room for a 4th, and so on. Acting on it turns you into Michelle Duggar. Realizing your limitations confirms your sanity. If you have any left.

***PS - Totally a commentary on our family's personal limitations, not a judgment against having more than 2! Well, okay, maybe I might question your sanity a tad, but hey, to each his own!