Official

As I was sitting there over Christmas break, liberated by the fact that my work email was out of synch with my phone, and just enjoying the speed of life and some newly-discovered patience, it was just an inkling.

I had many conversations about what I was feeling, and what I felt like God was calling me to do at that moment. As, one by one, everyone on the outside looking in gave me their perspectives, insights, and support, it started to sprout.

When I was writing my blog asking you all to hold me to my promise of making a big life change, and trying to preserve my feelings before they were gone with the wind, it was starting to look like something that perhaps might take root.

As Andy and I talked, prayed, set a timeline, and even sat down with a financial guy to work out the logistics of it all, it started to look a little real.

When I was walking down the corridor to my boss' office yesterday with my resignation letter in hand, the gravity of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how to describe it - I couldn't hear my thoughts over the sound of my heart pounding its way out of my chest.

When I read the office-wide email today announcing the intent to "replace" me, it became reality.

Now that it is cemented in this blog and, soon, on Facebook forever, it is OFFICIAL.

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea if being a stay-at-home mom is what I ultimately want. All I know is that I felt like God had been telling me that it was something that I needed to do for a long time, and I felt like I needed to listen, even if that was the most difficult choice I (and by "I," I do mean "we") ever had to make up until now. I have a deep-seated aversion to risk, and this is like jumping off a cliff and praying someone realizes it and throws a net down there somewhere before I hit the ground.

When making a lofty decision, I like to apply the question "which decision would I most regret?" It seems to be a good tie-breaker. Don't misunderstand me; I have only had to apply this rule about twice in my life because, again, I run kicking and screaming from risk. With this, it was pretty clear. I don't want to look back in 10 years and ask myself what I was thinking, allowing the small window of opportunity where I could spend precious moments with my kids to pass. I may hate it. I may go mad. I have no idea. I do know, though, that I can't regret having given it a chance (unless Andy loses his job in a month and we end up in a box under a bridge).

Interestingly, one of the main factors that made us waver was taking them out of day care. They are SO very loved every day, and they have such a good time and have developed so much. Ideally, I would turn them over to these wonderful people every day to go do something I am passionate about, and I could perhaps make a difference in others' lives daily. As is the case, I am turning them over to someone else to devote my days to a career path that is less than thrilling and one that runs me ragged and impatient by the end of the day. The few moments I have with them aren't exactly quality.

My eyes are open. I don't know what God has in store for me. He might have called me to do this so I can devote myself to my kids for the next 16 years. I might love it, and I am optimistic about that. He might have called me to do this as a stepping stone to where I am truly supposed to be. There are a lot of unknowns (which I like just about as much as I like risk), but I feel like it will become clear at some point.

Hopefully not in the form of a pink slip landing on Andy's desk. :) I am not really afraid of having to make it without my income. We'll make that work. I'm not saying I will be fun. I am going to be *that* friend who says "let's not do that - let's do THIS because it doesn't involve spending money". What's truly frightening is having removed that security net of a "back-up" income. Terrifying.

I think that I will always feel in between the two worlds. I don't feel like I am "one" with the stay-at-home crowd. I guess I have to ease into that and embrace it. When I have told people what I am doing, I have gotten some reactions like "oh, well that is the best thing for your kids." It kind of bothers me because, yes, I think it is the right thing for my kids right now, but it hasn't always been. For a long time, I was a better mom because I worked. At some point that became no longer true, and my reasons for continuing to work in spite of it were a little more selfish in nature. I won't pass judgment on the working mom crowd simply because I am on hiatus.

Anyways, thank you for allowing me to make my life change Facebook Official. :) My last day will be May 11th, then it is off the cliff we all go!