To Be Honest With You

I hate that phrase "to be honest with you." To me it implies that, if you must qualify it, every other thing you have ever said to me must have been dishonest.

I needed tonight. Not that I enjoy it when Andy is gone, but I got Liam all to myself for bedtime. We sang some songs, and then he started talking to me about things that happened today, or at least things he thought happened today. It was nice. I got that joyous feeling that seems to be eluding me these days.

People of course ask me when we're going to go for our third. I don't think that I have ever been so sure of anything in my life as I am that our family is complete.

So, to be honest with you, I am struggling. It seems like this being-a-mom-of-2 thing is only getting more difficult before it gets easier.

Please don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade Macy for the world. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her now. Knowing what I know now, I still would have wanted the same space between the children, as I've always known that it would be very difficult in the beginning with a great payoff a few years down the road (you know, when it's a Saturday and the two of them are playing a game together upstairs and I'm enjoying a glass of wine and a book on the couch. Or perhaps conversation with my husband - what?!).

I just feel stretched so thin. I feel like I can't give 100% to anyone. I make it through the day, and I don't feel like I've given enough time or energy to any one person or any one thing. I can't bond with Andy because I'm chasing the children. I can't bond with Macy because Liam needs me to meet some basic need (or want or MUST-HAVE-NOW). I always have to walk away from Liam because Macy is cranky or hungry or just generally discontent. Even if, at the end of the day, I have time to devote to someone or something, I am absolutely spent.

You know, they say that your heart doubles in size to allow you to love each child as you never expected you'd be able. I think, though, that there is a definite distinction between loving your child and having bonded with your child. With Macy, the love is definitely there and always has been. No doubt about it.

However, we're not yet at a point where the ROI has reached or exceeded 100%. With Liam, yeah, he's work, but he's so much fun so much of the time. With Macy, well, she's just mostly work at this point. The tough thing about the second child is that you have a basis for comparison. I know how much I love Liam and how much happiness I can pull out of those moments I spend with him. By virtue of the fact that he's a completely interactive little being by now, our relationship is so much more dynamic.

I know that we'll get there with Macy. I love her bunches and enjoy seeing her smile and, when Liam plays with her, laugh (she's a tough sell, and Liam's about the only one who can get her to laugh). I love being her mom. She also will be 2 1/2 one day. I just need for it to get easier soon so I can give each person in my family more than 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there.

I think it's getting better. For awhile, I just felt absolutely flat. Not happy, not depressed, just kind of "in existence." Prior to the increase in family size, I was constantly overwhelmed by that feeling of being so completely blessed. And I am blessed - I never lose sight of that, and I never fail to realize - at least on an intellectual level while my heart lags behind - how so completely lucky I am. But as far as that overwhelming sense of happiness goes that kind of makes you feel like it's too much for your skin to contain, it got a little lost in the shuffle. I hate feeling like I can't control that.

To a lesser degree, I'm still in this place. Or maybe it just depends on what day you ask me. Macy's starting to come into some independence and get to that place where she can sit there with some toys and entertain herself, which, of course, entertains me. It gives me a chance to devote a little more of myself to Liam during that time (or to wash bottles, as the case may be). I can sort of envision a time down the road when I can focus on one child for an adequate period of time, and then the other, and both together.

Hopefully we're starting to move away from my bonding time with Macy being crisis management as she gets more independent.

I have absolutely no regrets, but it does pain me to know that the challenges inherent in having more than one child have prevented me from loving and cherishing every moment of the baby phase like I did with Liam. I love and cherish HER; it's just that I keep looking into the future to that point where it gets to be manageable, and I fail to maximize the joy that I can get out of THIS phase.

I don't discourage people from having children this close together. I think you have to go with what you want in the long run and know that any age difference is going to come with its challenges and benefits.

We're going to get to the point where we're in a rhythm and where we're a cohesive family again once we get through these early challenges. Having more than one is hard. I am thoroughly and unshakably convinced that anyone who thinks it's a good idea to have more than two is certifiable.