Identity Crisis

My blog's going through a little bit of a (long-standing) identity crisis. I haven't mom-blogged in a long time because I just don't know that, in the long run, the kids would appreciate me sharing the minutiae of their lives with the world. I'm going through an "I don't feel very funny" phase, so comedy's out. I feel bad boring you all to tears with running stuff (even though I do it anyway), which is fun to write about because it's a fun part of my life right now. I wish I could figure out a way to write about stuff that is of some benefit to YOU and not just ME. There's just something inherently narcissistic about blogging, and I'm always aware and self-conscious of that as I type. I don't know, I am just kind of at a loss. I wish I had a cohesive, inspired and compelling blog for myself that could also entertain you, but I just don't right now.

Anyhow, I interrupt this identity crisis to bring you a little piece of unsolicited advice that I've wanted to share for awhile (I'm breaking my mom-blogging rule, so you may move along now to something more fun like a political op-ed if you wish).

I've had a tough time dealing with Macy's tantrums from early on. The conventional wisdom was to ignore them, but I learned quickly with her that it just didn't work. When she was, say, between 1 and 2, I felt so stuck. On one hand, the longer her tantrums went on, the MORE ramped up she'd get. We'd get to the 45-minute mark with no signs that she was even capable of calming herself down, yet letting them go on seemed cruel. I didn't want to validate her tantrums, either, by giving in eventually, so I just didn't know what to do.

We had some really, really rough times where she would scream relentlessly (not exactly bringing out the best in me, either), and I was at wit's end. Between about 2 1/2 and 3, I did something that I just don't ever, EVER do: I downloaded a parenting book to my Kindle (I know, right? It MUST have been bad). Don't ask me what it was; I made it like two chapters in before I remembered that parenting by a book is not me. One thing did strike me, though, that I guess made the $8 I spent on it worth it, and that was a short discussion on how children just need to feel understood.

The next time she threw a tantrum, I got down on her level, looked into her eyes, and said "I understand you're upset." It was like a total transformation, just like that. She calmed down almost immediately to the point where I could talk to her and reason through whatever it was that was going on at the time. We talked, she indicated understanding (albeit short-lived), and then she came to me for a comforting hug.

We still go through this several times a week. Instead of being in heated moments where she's screaming and I'm at a total loss and she's just too worked up to reason with, I can at least say "I understand you're upset that it's time for bed. I understand." I wait for her to calm down and then continue, "but it's late, and it's dark out, and it's time for all of us to go to bed. Got it?" She nods and hugs me, and we move on. It doesn't mean I cave and give in to her; it just means I give her a little empathy to make her feel like I respect her feelings while trying to get my point across.

Believe me, it doesn't get me compliance. We're still dealing with some major issues of defiance that don't always end quite so easily or quietly. At least, though, I have a more immediate tool now for dealing with these tantrums in a kid who has a tough time self-soothing, a tool that of course came one kid too late.

I hope that helps someone. It seems so simple and basic and obvious, but it was like a light bulb that I wish had come on a little sooner.