Competence

Oh I want to cry.

Some people have an incompetent cervix. I, on the other hand, apparently have a really, really competent one (this isn't medical terminology - just a self-imposed label). It just doesn't know how to do its thing like everyone else I know.

I was feeling really optimistic at my appointment last week where my midwife said I was 50% effaced and a "fingertip" dilated, with baby at station -2, which is where labor typically begins. She said we could induce at 39 weeks this coming weekend (the 5th or 6th), and that there was a good possibility that we could do it without even having to go in the night before for Cervidil.

I'd been feeling really strong contractions pretty much all week, with some really good painful ones. I just felt like I was making some progress, especially since I've been feeling so much more than I ever did with Liam. I was kind of psyched for some good news today, 95% sure I would go ahead and say "let's do it," and hear the words "no appointment next week!"

I met with my doctor this week, who is much more conservative about inductions than my midwife seems to be. After the exam, which showed no progress (she said I was a "fingertip" dilated at the bottom but closed up top), she said that she wouldn't tell me not to proceed with an induction this weekend, but she strongly advises against it. She said that if this was my first pregnancy, she would say "no way." After she put the fear of God in me as to the potential risks to me or to the baby if we were to proceed without giving it another week, I decided against it. Then I made my appointment for next week and went to the car and cried.

The next day they would schedule inductions would be the 14th, 2 days past my due date. So, unless I go into labor on my own sometime between now and then (and that's a lot of progress to be made in a short time), I guess I'm potentially succumbing to another week.

A WEEK!!! I don't think you can possibly grasp the horridness of a whole week unless you are currently 38 weeks pregnant. Even with the memory of my first pregnancy, I remember thinking "oh I don't now what I was complaining about...it's only a week. I couldn't have held out and waited to go on my own?" Even getting through a week at 36 weeks pregnant wasn't so daunting a task. Back to the present, I was wondering how I was going to make it the 5 days till the induction I thought I was going to have, and now we have to tack on another WEEK. Oh my goodness.

I totally understand now that feeling of sadness that comes along with knowing that your only child won't be your only child anymore. I didn't feel that until very recently, when it became apparent that this baby is actually going to be coming soon. I'm suddenly very afraid...what's it going to do to my relationship with Liam? Is it going to change his temperament? I feel sad that I have to share my time between the two - that I can't give either 100%.

I just look at him and get so sad...even though we have this big bundle of happiness entering our worlds, there is just a sadness that comes along with the change that we'll experience. It's hard to explain.

I just wish that I could enjoy him more right now. I feel so immobile. I don't even have the energy (or the internal body-temperature control systems) to manage to walk him 1/10 of a mile to the neighborhood playground. I would so love to take him to Monkey Joe's and bounce around and "assist" him down the slide. I want to get on the floor and wrestle around with him like I used to. I just feel like I can't even nurture our relationship for these last few days that we have alone with him from my post as the blob on the couch.

It'll be okay. It's crazy the mixed emotions that come along with having a second baby. Maybe others experience it the first time around, too, but I went into having Liam with rose-colored glasses. The mixed emotions came along soon after he was out :) The family dynamics will be changing, but for nothing but the better. It's all so unknown and unpredictable, but I'll embrace it.