It's a boy!!!

Well, I don't know that. I just thought I'd try it on for size because all of a sudden, within the last day or so, I looked down and saw EXACTLY what I saw last time. I'm looking about 23 weeks pregnant by Liam-Pregnancy standards now at 18, but really, my belly could not look more similar. It's even lopsided in the same direction!

Especially with the way first trimester went, eating like a pig and all, I fully expected to have gained a ton of weight by now. It has mainly ended up redistributing (as it did last time, but at a slightly slower rate). I've lost weight from most of my body, and it's all gone to my belly. I'm right about back at my starting weight, so it's only going to go up from here.

I do wish I could eat more. Don't get me wrong - I get 3 square meals a day, including a fairly large lunch, but there's not a whole lot of snacking going on in between. I'm by no means worried that I'm not eating a healthy amount, it's just not quite as much as I eat on a normal basis (which tends to be a bit more than I probably should eat anyway). By normal standards, I'm eating plenty, but I do feel hungry often with no appetite. Leave it to pregnancy to teach you that there IS a difference between being hungry and having an appetite.

Now, I know that it's not etched in stone that you'll carry a boy differently than you'll carry a girl, but it's hard to help being convinced that it's a boy when it's so similar.

I just realized within the last day that, sometime recently, I've had a dramatic shift in my attitude. I started this thing out being terrified...absolutely terrified. When I was terrified, it was hard to focus on much more than the physical discomforts. It was kind of a conundrum - couldn't wait for the pregnancy to be over but really kind of dreaded what I would find on the other side. I mean, the thought of those first couple months with a 2-year-old to attend to as well...let's just say it made me question our decision!

Now, I feel like I SHOULD be absolutely terrified. It would probably do me a world of good (if you go into something with minimal expectations, the only way to go is up), but I'm not terrified anymore. I'm just really, really excited about meeting the little guy or gal. REALLY excited!

I feel like, without really even realizing it, my preoccupation with the physical obstacles has evolved into a preoccupation with the end result. It's not like I was sitting there with Andy one day and said "I want to be pregnant. That's all I want - I just want to be pregnant!" No, it was "we want to have another baby." Pregnancy is the means to the end.

I wish I could love the means more - I really do. If there was anything I could say to myself to make me love it, I would have said it by now. The closest I can come is that part of me wants to draw it out knowing that this is it - the sooner everything comes, the sooner I will never get to look forward to experiencing it again. It's different this time; once a phase passed with Liam before I was ready, I at least knew that we'd get to experience it again. This time, every first will be the last. That makes me sad and helps me to try not to wish the time away. Futile effort, but it at least helps a little bit.

Maybe my shift in outlook had something to do with the fact that I've been feeling the baby jab me more and more over the course of the last couple weeks - it doesn't get much more real than that! Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was able to breathe through my nose last night without the aid of Sudafed - TOTAL light at the end of THAT tunnel. This nasal and chest congestion that I've been dealing with makes everything else seem like a breeze! I generally don't have that awful taste in my mouth anymore, which has made me a bit happier.

I also feel like I'm falling into step a little better with parenting Liam. My book is helping a lot. He was pretty cranky tonight because he didn't like my decision to turn off the train videos, but I had a lot of luck taking a deep breath and keeping calm. He's generally been super-good for me lately, and I'm also seeing the normalcy in most of his less-than-desirable behaviors. That helps a lot - I know about a month ago he went through this phase that just made the thought of adding another one to the mix seem unimaginable.

So all in all, regardless of how I feel physically, emotionally and mentally I just can't take my mind off the amount of time standing in between now and us meeting our little one (ready or not!!).

I'd say at this point the worst part of my day is my nighttime routine and the anticipation thereof, as it includes water, prenatal vitamins, and toothpaste. I can't figure out why the thought of my prenatals makes me so ill. They have absolutely no taste, and they don't make me feel bad afterward. I would say it has to do with the fact that it has to be washed down with water, but the rest of my cocktail of asthma medication and vitamins doesn't evoke the same visceral reaction. Who knows? I have also gotten myself some kids' Crest toothpaste (Hannah Montana, no less!), which tastes mildly bad during the brushing process but leaves behind barely any taste. That helps.

I actually tend to go to bed about half an hour later than I intend to because I keep procrastinating the routine. That's exactly what I am doing right now...