I was told my last couple of blogs sounded grumpy. I don't know - I don't see it. I mean, if you want grumpy...I can probably give you grumpy today :) <-- REALLY forced smiley.

Actually, I can one-up grumpy. How's morbid?

I thought I'd talk about death. I used to think that death was the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me. I mean, I'm sure that the Great Beyond is lovely and all, but I have never, and still am not, ready to leave this world behind.

That really changed, though, after having a child. I absolutely don't want to die right now because I have so much and so many people here to live for. I don't want to miss a day of my kids' lives. However, I can say, unequivocally, that I would rather die than lose my child. No doubt about it. Don't take him - take me.

My greatest fear in the world is no longer heights, or elevators, or parking decks, or Democrats...my greatest fear is losing my child(ren). I just don't know how a parent survives that. Sure, I used to get sad when I watched a movie or read a book about a parent losing a child. Now, I just bawl my eyes out and hurt to my very core.

You could say I live in fear - not in a debilitating way, but the fear crosses my mind more than I would like for it to. I would prefer to view every day as a gift that God really never had to grant to me in the first place, better than never having experienced that day regardless of the number ahead, but if I ever lost Liam or his little sibling, I know I could feel nothing but pain. If I could have one wish for this world, it would be that no mommy ever had to lose a child.

I think the hormones are making me overly emotional.

As for grumpy - maybe I'll take one paragraph to get it all out at once: I thought second trimester was supposed to be easier than first trimester. I feel worse now than I did 8 weeks ago. My nose is all stuffy - I hope I have a cold because at least it will ease up some at some point. I'm about 12 weeks earlier this time around on the hip pain. I am surviving on Pho noodles, cranberry juice, cheese, and force-feeding. Aren't pregnant women supposed to want to eat the world?! If only I could have a craving, I could know what to eat. The few calories I can consume are going straight to my chin, which is starting to look more pregnant than my belly. I am sure that it would help if I could drink a huge thermos of water and love it, but that would just make me want to puke. 23 more weeks!! That's a bunch!

It's a blessing. It really, really truly is. All of the above will be forgotten one day, which in the grand scheme of things is soon, even though it seems like an eternity right now. As you can tell, I am just not one of those women who loves being pregnant. There are definitely parts of it that bring me joy - mainly after the halfway point when the baby really starts kicking strongly and I can start watching my belly contort and roll around. That's cool, and it's a true bonding experience between me and the baby. There's nothing better than the delivery - that culmination of all those months of waiting and wondering into the glory and amazement of meeting your child. I am so glad that I was able to learn from my last experience so that I know what I should do this time around to truly maximize those first moments. I can't wait.

I try to tell myself that I should enjoy every moment of it since this is the last time I will experience it if Andy and I have anything to do with it, but eh...it is what it is - I just don't feel at my best while pregnant. I will inevitably remember only the good (which is exactly why I am pregnant again - in fact, if I ever display an inkling of wanting to do it again, refer me back to this post!).

Thank you to all who have indulged my grumpiness by reading this far. I can't make any promises for future posts, but I'll at least try to keep them coming to help you alleviate any moments of boredom.